TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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