i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The beer is more important than you right now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
