my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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