I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send help, water and tortillas.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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