Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
