I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
