You can't motorboat a personality
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
