When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
