if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
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At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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