wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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