Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
