mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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