He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
