piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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