All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
