Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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