You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
