my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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