the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
vagina is talking i cant
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
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Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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