And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
