"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
either way he was missing a nipple.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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