MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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