Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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