you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
