I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
