i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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