He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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