Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
