Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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