i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
