Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
