I wish my penis had an off switch
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
