I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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