I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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