it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
