omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
