So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
