Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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