as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
