Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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