She is in my trunk
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Please don't give away my fajitas
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
