My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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