My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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