They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
