I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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