your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
