You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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