At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
