he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
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We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
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Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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