Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
