I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
