Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
