I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
