the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
