so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
