upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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