Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
