I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm always down for nudity.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
