You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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