he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
