I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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