Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
