I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
