happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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