There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
