another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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