I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
