This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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