why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
