textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
